Ohhh so that's all I need to do to find out who my (other) daddy is

Something I don't understand about some adoption reform activists is their determination to always paint everything as black and white, to over simplify, to make useless (sometimes embarrassing or insulting) comparisons.

There is nothing about unwanted pregnancy, adoption, adoption reunion that is simple and when we declare things should be this way or that, it sets people up for failure and misinforms or misleads Joe Public who has no hands on exposure to the issue of adoption and reunion, sealed records, adoptee or parental rights.

We can not like a circumstance we find ourselves in and most times all we have control over is how we react to it. This lesson in itself is hard enough to learn and remember, how is it helpful to have our heads filled with mommy magic notions? Or told that if we just did this or did that, poof we'd have access to our heritage, our birth records, or medical history?

Talking about the fact that adopted people should have the right to their own personal information about their birth and familial medical history is a great things to do. Romanticising it or saying if we would just stop waiting for our parents (adoptive) to die before saying what we think or want everything would be rainbows and unicorns, to borrow a common adoption reference, is counterproductive. I think we need to look at the situation with as little bias as possible, as much understanding and compassion as we're capable, and with the intelligence to know how very complicated and situation specific unwanted pregnancy, infertility, and adoption is.

My mom (adoptive for those that don't know I refer to the woman who adopted and raised me as mom) gave me the newborn picture my biological mother left for my parents in my 50th birthday card. When I look at it and think about that baby being left alone and at the mercy of the government and hospital I thank my lucky stars for how well things did go for me. It's amazing that I am ok and I am proud of myself for surviving and at times, thriving.

Adoption and any resulting reunion is unpredictable. I nor anyone else can tell you what will happen, how involved parties will or should behave. All we can do is talk about our experience, if we want to, and respect that others' circumstances are different from our own.

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms

I have been so depressed lately.

I have somehow managed to allow my self esteem to take quite the beating.

There's such a fine line between listening to people's criticism in order to improve oneself and letting oneself be destroyed. I have always struggled with knowing whether I am actually feeling sorry for myself, being hypersensitive, or if I am actually being treated poorly.

I suppose the source of criticism or disappointment is an important thing to consider. As in, we value some people's opinions more than others. Even still, sometimes we may not value a person's opinion but their insensitive or unkind behaviour is extremely difficult to ignore, to internalize. It still hurts and is capable of shaking our self esteem.

I think part of what's happened to me lately is that I have kept in my disappointment, my anger, my hurt and strayed from my proven method of coping with the day to day disappointments in life.

I am not normally the type to give the silent treatment. I want to fix things now, not let them stew. I will give in or compromise to achieve harmony. I will also own and apologize for my culpability. I will weigh the benefit of putting an end to an argument and give someone I love and respect the benefit of the doubt. I don't like getting the silent treatment, and I've learned it doesn't do me a damned bit of good to force myself to give it.

I am turning 50 soon, something that doesn't bother me as far as age goes. In fact, after having breast cancer, I am extremely happy to get as many years older as I possibly can.

It does bother me to turn 50 with a negative opinion of myself. To turn 50 with less confidence than I had a year ago. It does bother me to turn 50 still needing outside validation to have healthy self esteem.

I don't think I am capable of having a healthy self esteem on my own but then forced or less than sincere demonstrations of love and appreciation mean nothing to me.

Personally, I think sometimes my need to feel special, valued, important, makes me act in ways that ultimately afffect my self esteem negatively. Hell, I don't think it, I know it.

Life ain't easy, is it?