And your point is?

It's the strangest thing when a difficult parent is seriously ill. There's this push and pull that cannot be appreciated by someone who hasn't experienced it.

One minute your stomach is in knots and you're frightened for their life, doing anything you can to help them live. The next you're like, "did you really just say that to me after I just saved your life?"

Is it that they don't appreciate us or is it that they just don't appreciate their life? Is it that they know we'll always be there for them so shitting on us repeatedly has no risk?

Although never surprised at my mother's complete disregard for my feelings, I am always perplexed by it. How can she not care how hurt I am? How my own child feels, especially how I am making him feel, means more to me than anything else. I would never put anyone ahead of my child. Never have and never will.

Is it because I am adopted that my mother has such disregard for me? I don't think so though I do think my mother should have been screened more thoroughly, even though I realize there are worse mothers out there. At this point in time she'd likely not admit or remember it but she told me a long time ago, in a way that was meant to be critical of the social worker who was involved in my adoption, that she'd almost not gotten me. The social worker had said she was worried my mom was too intent on getting a baby just like the first one she'd adopted. My mom thought the social worker was wrong. I think the social worker may have been on to something.

I am awake and writing this because my mom called me fom the hospital to see if I was coming with her to another hospital for a test she's having. When she called it was 6:45am on Sunday and the test is tomorrow Monday at 2pm. Its my understanding nobody goes with her, the test is simple, painless xray. I got up anyway and chatted a bit with my mom, just to make sure she was ok.

Yesterday was a tough day as my mom chastised me for refusing contact with someone who has mistreated and taken advantage of me for many years, someone I have finally decided to cut out of my life. My mother disapproves of the fact I am refusing to facilitate her ongoing relationship with this person. In spite of the fact that my conscience is clear and I know I am not in the wrong, oh, and in spite of the fact that I am 50 years old, it still hurts to have your mom take the enemy's side.

Am I the only one going though this?


Lest We Forget

Remembrance Day, November 11th

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae (1872-1918) Canadian